Softest Shadow Read online

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  Week four rolled around and I was in the middle of contemplating crushing the glass cup in my hand when a dark presence swept through my apartment. I put the glass down and go into the living room only to see Nathan lounging on my couch reading a newspaper. The headline reads “Teens Arrested for Assaulting Fellow Student.” Good for Daniel. I knew he could do it.

  “Sup, brother?” he says in his light voice, lowering the paper. His blonde hair has grown since the night on the waterfront. It’s now long, shaggy above his eyes and around his ears. This time I contemplate what his face would look like crushed under my foot but I refrain from acting out my imaginings.

  “What can I do for you, brother?” I ask, sitting down in the chair across from him. He folds the newspaper and tosses it onto the coffee table.

  “I just wanted to catch up. I haven’t seen you in months.”

  “I’m not one for company; you know that.”

  “True but last I saw you had that grey eyed babe on your arm. I was wondering if you’d sealed the deal on that one or not. Might take a whack at her myself if she’s fair game.”

  I resist the urge to break his smiling face. Some demons were okay with sharing. Sharing deals, lovers, payments, either by working together or going one after another but most didn’t like to share. I was one of them. Even if it wasn’t Natalie, I wouldn’t have let Nathan go after one of my deals for seconds.

  “I sealed it.” I keep my voice calm and neutral. “And I don’t share so find your own.”

  He puts his hands up in an “oh well” gesture.

  “Just thought I’d check. I’ve been having a hard go of it lately. Not that you’d know anything about that.”

  I let his comment slide. Lots of demons were jealous of my abilities. I had grown used to their thinly veiled jibes and openly snide words over the years.

  “It will be time to change cities soon. Maybe business will be better in the next city.”

  If I don’t remain civil, I’ll end up breaking something and since the décor in my apartment wasn’t doing it for me anymore, I might have to test the strength of Nathan’s femur.

  The doorbell interrupts my destructive fantasy and Nathan looks at me.

  “Expecting someone?”

  I get up and go to the door. I wasn’t but the landlord had been particularly friendly lately. It probably had to do with the sound of breaking glass every night. I open the door and my heart freezes in my chest.

  “Natalie?”

  Grey eyes stare up at me and I can’t seem to start my breathing again. Thoughts race through my head. What is she doing here? How dare she come here? Doesn’t she understand what my silence means? She’s going to ruin everything. I can’t believe she’s here. I’m so glad she’s here.

  “I came as soon as I got your text,” she pants. She’s out of breath, like she’s been running.

  “Natalie, what are yo-”

  She starts pulling at my clothes, inspecting my arms, lifting my shirt. Confused, I step back but she follows me into my apartment.

  “God, I was so worried. All that time with no word from you and then just a text saying “I need you. Come quick.” I thought something had happened to you.”

  “Natalie, wait, slow down. I didn’t-”

  “What’s wrong? Are you hurt? I thought that may-”

  Her eyes see something behind me and it causes her to stop. Her face pales and she looks sick. I turn around and my heart drops. Nathan is still lounging on the couch but he’s changed his appearance. He’s now a woman with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and pouty red lips. His body is lean with long legs and a chest that would make him topple over. He’s also completely naked. I quickly turn back to Natalie and see her eyes are dark like storm clouds and I realize how perfect that is for this moment. Storm clouds herald the coming of the storm.

  “What did you need me for?” she growls. “Permission?”

  I don’t answer. I can’t. I can’t defend this in front of Nathan. He can’t know she knows I’m a demon or that she’s more than a supposed deal. This could very well be a test from Kest. Me trying to explain would only set off alarm bells.

  The storm clouds gather and threaten to release their burdens. I look away. I can’t see her cry.

  “Answer me!” she yells. I feel Nathan’s waiting stare. My silence can just as easily tell him the truth. So even though I know it will tear Natalie’s heart even more, I turn to her and laugh.

  “Actually, I wanted to know if you’d join us.”

  Her palm connects hard with my face and the slap echoes throughout the room. The physical pain is gone in an instant but the emotional pain hurts more than the angel’s sword. I rub my cheek and smirk.

  “Is that a no?”

  Natalie’s eyes fill with water and I resist the desire to fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness. Forgiveness for leaving, for being a coward, for hurting her, and for hurting her again by making her think I had just been using her.

  “I hate you,” she whispers. She turns around and runs out of the apartment.

  I close the door and walk towards Nathan. I tighten my hand on the back of the chair, threatening to splinter the wood.

  “You’re dirtying the upholstery,” I say. I’m surprised at how calm and disinterested my voice is.

  “Don’t worry, I don’t have cooties,” he says. His normal voice coming from the woman’s mouth is unsettling but it’s not something he can change. You can dress a demon up but on the inside, they are still a demon.

  “I need to work. Would you mind?” I nod towards the balcony and he smiles with the red lips.

  “No problem, brother. Let me know if she changes her mind and comes back. I don’t mind sharing.”

  An image of that long blonde hair stained with blood pops into my mind.

  “Good bye, brother.”

  “Toodles,” he says, wiggling his fingers and disappearing.

  I’m jumping through shadows as soon as his presence is gone. I pop out into the parking garage of my building and frantically look around. I heighten my senses and try to find her. I pick up the faint smell of cucumber melon and start running. I jump over cars and slip through the bars into the lower area. I run down the aisle and round the pillar just as she’s getting into her car.

  “Natalie!” I call out and she freezes before turning around. Tears stream down her face. I try and take her into my arms but she shoves me away.

  “Get away from me!”

  “Natalie, let me explain! It’s not what you think. That was a demon-”

  “Like that makes it any better,” she cries.

  “No I mean we weren’t doing anything. I swear I-”

  “Do you know what I’ve been through this past month?”

  “Natalie I-”

  “I waited for you to call, to show up, to send a smoke signal for god’s sake but there was nothing. Not a word.”

  “You don’t understand. I’m trying to protect-”

  “So while I was losing sleep and worrying that something had happened to you, what were you doing? Sleeping with another woman? Or is it women?”

  “You’re not listening, I-”

  “I’m through listening to you! I wish I had never met you! You’re evil and I never want to see you again!”

  I freeze. She called me evil.

  She gets into her car and slams the door. I jump out of the way to avoid being hit as she reverses and speeds out of the parking garage. I stand in the empty parking space, her words running through my head. She didn’t want me. She wanted a good guy. Something I could only pretend to be.

  I yell and punch the nearby car window in frustration; the glass shatters and cuts my hand. It feels good and I focus on the pain in my knuckles and not the pain in my heart.

  Chapter 14

  I pour myself a drink, and then I throw it at the wall and pick up the bottle instead. Shadow lays on the rug, staring up at me; he isn’t affecte
d by my outbursts, he knows my anger isn’t at him. I pace the living room, chugging the bottle of booze. Screw work, screw hell, screw Kest, I’m going to get drunk tonight and no one is going to stop me. In fact, let them try, I could use more things to smash.

  I flop into a chair and stare at the coffee table. The newspaper is still there; my phone sits next to it. I take another drink and continue to stare at it. Who texted Natalie? The obvious answer was Nathan. My phone had been on the table and he could have sent a quick text before I came in from the kitchen. The question was why? Was Kest suspicious of me? Had he sent Nathan to orchestrate this whole fiasco to see how I’d respond? Or had Nathan just wanted to completely sever my ties with Natalie so he could swoop in? Neither answer was comforting.

  I was tempted to go to Natalie’s and try to explain things again but her words kept me firmly in place. Evil. She called me evil. Granted she wasn’t wrong. I am evil. There’s no denying that but she had seen something else in me, something good and now that was gone. She no longer saw Jack, just the demon. I take another drink. I pick up my phone and squeeze. I hadn’t broken my phone yet. Now seemed like a good time. I squeeze harder but stop when it rings. A number I don’t recognize pops up on the screen. I consider crushing it anyway but I answer it instead.

  “Hello?”

  “Is this Jack Collins?” a woman’s voice asks.

  “Yes, who is this?”

  “This is Nancy from The Good Samaritan Hospital. We have a patient here and you’re her emergency contact. We need you to come down here as soon as possible.”

  The bottle slips from my hands and shatters on the floor.

  “What’s her name?” I feel my lips move but it’s like another person is speaking the words.

  “Natalie Clark.”

  ______________

  The beeping of the heart monitor fills the otherwise silent room. I sit in a chair next to the hospital bed and stare at Natalie’s unconscious face. Her bruised, cut, and damaged face. I hadn’t looked away from her since the nurse showed me to her room. She had still been in surgery when I got to the hospital and the doctors hadn’t wanted to say much on her condition until she was out of the woods. Right now she was stable; broken, but stable. When the doctor and police came in I kept my eyes glued to her face as I listened.

  The police informed me that Natalie’s neighbors had called in a disturbance at her house. They reported hearing screams and seeing people dressed in dark clothing fleeing from her home. Police responded and discovered Natalie unconscious and badly injured in her kitchen. She was rushed to the hospital and into surgery. That’s when the doctor took over. He told me that Natalie had three broken ribs, one which had punctured a lung and they had to repair it, multiple fractures in the bones of her right hand and arm, numerous cuts and contusions, and some internal bleeding. All her injuries pointed to massive trauma and were consistent with the injuries of assault. She had some head trauma that they were worried about and didn’t know when she would wake up. When I asked the question that had been screaming in my mind since they said the word assault, they told me there had been no evidence of sexual assault. My muscles relaxed at those words.

  I asked if they had called her family; they had and said they were on their way. After that the doctor left and the police stayed to take down my information and location at the time of the attack. I wasn’t even angry at their questions. They were doing their jobs and I was too focused on Natalie to care that I was being questioned. They finished and said they would be back later to speak with the family. I nodded but still never took my eyes off of Natalie.

  The nurses and doctors came in throughout the day and checked her vitals and confirmed that she was still stable. Their hourly check-ins weren’t enough for me. I monitored her condition myself the whole time. Using my heightened senses, I monitored her heart rate and breathing. I didn’t trust the machines. I knew it was irrational but it was comforting to hear her steady heartbeat and even breathing opposed to watching it on the monitors.

  I finally gave in and wrapped her limp hand in mine. Her words in the parking garage still rang in my ears but I needed to touch her; to feel that she was alive and not just see and hear it. She’s just so still. Since day one, she’s been full of life, all smiles and laughter. Even in her sleep she had a slight smile on her face. There was nothing now though. Her mouth was a straight line, no emotion in her face. Her body was still, and even her breathing seemed less pronounced in this unconscious state. But her hand was warm and that helped cement the fact that she was still alive.

  Hours passed and I continued to hold her hand; the only movement from me the occasional blink. Midnight came around and still I didn’t move. Sometime in the middle of the night, Natalie’s family came and even as I told them what I had been told, I didn’t move my eyes or my hand. Briefly, I thought about giving them time alone with her but I wasn’t leaving her side until she woke up. Even then I wasn’t sure I would leave unless she told me to. I expected she would after what happened earlier.

  Her family were pacers and moved from the side I wasn’t occupying, to the door, to the window, and back again. Her mom and dad had jumped in the car the minute they received the call. They had driven the 3-4 hour drive straight, without stopping. Her dad told me the rest of the family would leave in the morning and get here in the afternoon. I didn’t care as long as they let me stay where I was.

  The staff offered us cots but we all refused.

  Her parents seemed to accept that there was nothing they could do but wait. I wasn’t sure I was as calm as them. I think I would have broken double the amount the furniture I did in the last month if I didn’t keep constant watch over her. Without the sound of her heart filling my ears and her hand filling mine, I would have to think about what if she didn’t wake up and there wasn’t enough furniture in the world if that happened.

  ______________

  Morning came and she still hadn’t woken up. I was glad I had entrusted Shadow to the neighbors again because I don’t know if I could have left to take care of him. Natalie’s vitals were still stable and the doctors were still optimistic that she would wake up; her body just needed time and they urged us to be patient and not worry. Patience was not one of my virtues.

  The police came back in the morning and I had to listen as they recited the same words from yesterday that they had to me. When they got here last night, I had been sparse with the details, not wanting to have to deal with tears. The police didn’t though and her mom’s tears flowed freely as the police gave their report. Ryan comforted her and they went through some of the same questions they had with me.

  Was Natalie afraid of anyone? Would anyone want to hurt her? Had she exhibited any strange behavior recently?

  They answered the questions and the police turned towards me.

  “The surveillance in your apartment building confirmed your location Mr. Collins but it also revealed a rather heated interaction between you and Ms. Clark. Care to tell us what that was about?” one of them asks.

  I feel the stares of the police and her parents but I ignore them.

  “She stopped by to see me,” I answer, “we argued and she left. I didn’t hurt her if that’s what you are implying.”

  “You broke a window after the altercation.”

  “I took care of it with the owner,” I lied.

  “Not our point. How angry were you after this argument? Did you maybe call up some friends and-”

  This time their questions do irritate me. Natalie condition hadn’t changed and as the hours passed, my emotions became harder to keep in check. Their loud accusing voices grated on my nerves and I was a hairs width from breaking my stare and snapping at them.

  “No. I was not angry at her. I was angry with myself,” I say. I still am. If I had gone to her house to try and talk to her again then maybe I could have prevented this.

  “We see. We’ll be in touch.” They leave and Ryan places a hand on my shoulder. <
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  “We know you had nothing to do with this,” he says.

  “Thank you.”

  They invite me to get some food but I turn them down and they leave. As soon as they do, I bury my head into the bed next to our hands. I can’t do it anymore. I need her to wake up. I take a deep breath before I sit back up and return to looking at her. I squeeze her hand and wait for it to squeeze back but of course it doesn’t. Wishful thinking.

  “You know,” I say to her, “I knew this demon, one of the original ones, he used to ask some of the newer ones this question and I remember the day he asked me it. You see, demons like me, ones that came after Lucifer and the other angels that fell, we’re born from the shadows. From the despair and the darkness of hell. And the older ones, they put us through this initiation like thing to make sure we come out right so to speak. I passed that perfectly and it was a few days before I was to be sent to the surface and this demon came up to me and a few others. He bled power and the others were afraid of him but I didn’t let him scare me. Demons are supposed to grow fear, not feel it. But he stands in front of us and booms in this loud voice: “What do we feel?” and all of us reply: “Hatred, desire, greed,” and we prattle on a few more emotions. Then he asks: “What don’t we feel?” And that takes us a little longer but slowly answers start coming. “Compassion, fear, guilt,” and then I answer: “love” and the demon gets this smile on his face. “Why don’t we feel love?” he asks. That confused me. I didn’t know. I knew what we did feel and what we didn’t but why didn’t we feel those things? It was just how we were. There was no reason, that’s just how we were made. When we didn’t answer, he said: “Because love is a promise, and demons never promise.” And that was the end. He left and I have never seen him again.”

  I rub the back of her hand. Her heart rate and breathing haven’t changed.

  “I didn’t understand. Demons make promises all the time. We promise wealth, happiness, fulfillment, but then it hit me; he meant a real promise. Not a lie but a genuine promise and I realized he was right. Demons don’t promise, we lie, and love isn’t a lie. I’ve seen real love and fake love and that’s always the deciding factor, if it’s a promise or not.”