Softest Shadow Read online

  “I go straight at the light, right?”

  “I take a right in two blocks, right?”

  Even though she is spot on with the directions, she second guesses herself. Maybe she doesn’t want to end up in the industrial district again or maybe she’s comfortable enough with me to not be embarrassed of her lack of city knowledge. She pulls up to my building and I get out and tap the window. She rolls it down.

  “Yes?”

  “When is your next day at the animal shelter?”

  “Saturday, why?” She’s smiling as she cocks her head at me in mock confusion.

  “No reason.”

  ______________

  This became my new schedule. Every Wednesday and Saturday I would volunteer with Natalie. The rest of the week was spent in anticipation for those days. Weeks went by in a flash, only to slow on those days spent amongst fur and paws.

  Dogs and cats left to go to new homes only to be replaced by new ones. Even Heather and her duck toy were adopted.

  The dogs were still wary of me but they weren’t why I kept coming back. It was Natalie. There was something unique about how she interacted with the animals. There was nothing but pure love and trust between them. That complete love wasn’t something you could fake. She shines with it. It sparkles in her eyes without her knowing. It blazes in her smile that comes so easily. It transfers through her fingertips when she rubs their ears. There is no ulterior motive to it. No scheme or manipulation driving her actions. No expectation of returned affection. She didn’t have to think about it, she just felt it. It was pure, unhindered, free, love. A stark contrast to the rest of the days in my week.

  Wednesday and Saturdays were filled with wet noses, tiny paws, and the wind playing through Natalie’s hair. The rest were spent consumed by shadows, dealings of desires, and collecting payments. I hunted for people desperate for my services, I dealt deals to those hungry for power, I exacted revenge and distributed pain if that is what they wished. I made dreams come true, for a price, and I always collected.

  There were many things a person could bargain with. The most common was their soul. People often feel it’s the best bet since payment comes later and they either don’t believe in the afterlife or they think they can wiggle out of the deal somehow later one. They are always wrong. The next common is time. Some consider the life of luxury worth a few decades off their life. Next was what we called “balancing the scales”. They could get say “the love of their life” but they’d be blind and or deaf the rest of their lives. Or maybe get healed from a disease but lose the love of those around them. Almost anything could be offered up, except another person. One person doesn’t hold any rights to another person and therefore cannot be used in a deal.

  I can’t say I have a favorite trade. They all get repetitive after thousands of years but closing the deal is the best part. The satisfaction of gaining something special is euphoric. The deals themselves have lost their luster for me though. It doesn’t take long to learn how to read people and guess their actions. It’s not as fun to see people struggle with a decision when you know what they are going to pick. I haven’t been surprised by a deal in over 500 years.

  As I watch Natalie bob the feather toy for a cat, I wonder at what kind of deal she might make. She wouldn’t do anything for personal gain that’s for sure. It would probably be one of those saving someone else deals; the kind where they sacrifice themselves. As the thought of her making a deal passes through my mind a strange pressure settles in my chest. Its’ strange, it almost feels like pain.

  ______________

  It’s been a month since Natalie first brought me with her to the shelter. In that time I’ve learned a lot about her but I want to know more. There’s only so much you can learn about a person for a few hours a week. I want to see her in a different setting.

  I emerge from the shadows and stare at the parking lot in surprise. Natalie is already here. That’s odd, I’m always here first. I enter the building by myself. Carla is in her usual spot behind the desk and she looks up when she hears me.

  “She’s already in the back, sweetie,” she says.

  “Thanks.”

  Why is she here already? I check the supply room and the toys are still there. I check the dog area and all the dogs are still in there. What is going on? I hurry down the hall and fling the door open. A tiny shriek greets me.

  “You scared me,” Natalie accuses, one hand over her heart in an attempt to calm it. Oh you’d know if I’d scared you. You would know fear if it came from me.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Well hello to you too.” She mock rolls her eyes at me and points near the fence. “We have a new one.”

  I follow her finger to find a lump of dark fur lying in the grass. It’s so still I’d think it was dead if I couldn’t hear its breathing.

  “Why aren’t the other dogs out?”

  “I took care of them earlier. The shelter called me last night and said a new dog wouldn’t be able to be around the other dogs so I got here early to take care of them. I would have called to let you know but I don’t have your number.” I don’t miss the hurt that flashes in her eyes before disappearing.

  “Why can’t it be with the others?” I ask, ignoring the slight guilt I feel at not giving her my number. I hadn’t even thought about it. I could reach her anytime I wanted. Pop in at her work, her house, run into her at the store, but she didn’t have that power. Did she want to have more contact with me? Did she want more than a few hours, two days a week?

  “They rescued him from a dog fighting club. He was the only one they didn’t have to put down from injuries or behavior problems.”

  Her voice is normal but the mix of sadness and anger within her is clear. There’s something else too. Helplessness.

  “Why are you over here?” It’s not because she’s afraid of him; I know that.

  “He won’t let me get near him. I let him out and he walked as far away from me as possible and laid down. If I get within ten feet of him, he gets up and moves. He doesn’t growl or anything, he just moves. I don’t know what to do,” she admits sadly.

  It must be hard for her, wanting to help and not being able to. I touch her shoulder, trying to offer comfort. She looks at me in surprise, understandable considering I’ve never touched her before. She had touched me. While putting my name tag on, or touching my arm to show the dogs I wasn’t so bad, but I had never touched her.

  “Thank you,” she says quietly. I remove my hand and she shakes off her dark mood, going back to the smiling Natalie I’m used to. “I don’t know how we’re going to get him back inside though.” She bites her lip in thought.

  “Why don’t you go do the cats and I’ll stay out here with him?” I offer. She looks at me with surprise again.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Maybe he’ll come in when it’s later.”

  Reluctantly she agrees.

  “Okay but don’t push him. Let him have his space. Oh and here are the treats, but don’t throw them at him, oh an-”

  “I know, I know,” I say, pushing her through the door, my hand gently on her back. That’s the second time I’ve touched her today, when it rains it pours I guess. She frowns as I shut the door. When I turn around she opens it again.

  “If you need anything jus-” she calls out.

  “Natalie,” I say gently, “I got this. Trust me.” She looks me straight in the eyes and nods.

  “Okay,” she says and closes the door. I wait until I hear her enter the cat room before walking over and sitting down next to the dog. Did I mention I love being right?

  “She’s too good for the likes of us isn’t she, boy?” I say as I pet him. I stay away from the bandages covering his wounds from the fights.

  “You know just the fact that you are keeping your distance means you’re better than me. Staying away is the good thing to do.” He looks at me and huffs.

  “I mean it. You’re better than I am. What did
they call you? Killer? Beast? Monster? I’ve been called all those and more. The difference between you and me is I like it. I like the fear that passes through their eyes when they realize I am more than a man. I like the pure destruction I can cause. I know the difference between good and bad. I know it will end badly for her if I stick around. I’m so selfish though. I want to be around her. So you aren’t the monster, I am.”

  He huffs again and puts his head on my leg, his ears sticking up. He seems to be a mutt. I can see bits of lab, shepherd, maybe some collie but I’m not well versed in dog breeds to know exactly what he is. His fur is ink black and the white bandages stick out like angels among demons.

  “Shadow,” I say, rubbing his ears, “that’s your name.”

  ______________

  I adopted Shadow that day. Natalie had come outside after finishing with the cats and her jaw dropped when she saw Shadow resting his head on my leg while I contently petted him. Her jaw dropped further when I told her I was going to take him home. After filling out the paperwork and paying the fees, I put him in the back of Natalie’s car where he curled up behind the passenger seat, away from her. He was really determined not to tarnish her presence. I wasn’t so inclined.

  On the way to my apartment, which Natalie knew like the back of her hand by now, I pick up her phone.

  “What are you doing?” she shrieks, trying to grab it while keeping her eyes on the road.

  “Giving you my number since you want it so badly,” I reply, winking at her. She blushes.

  “I don’t want it, it would just be convenient if I needed to get a hold of you,” she defends.

  “Uh huh,” I mumble distractedly. I send myself a text so I have hers as well. “There, now you have direct access to the Jack train.”

  “You know I’m only going to use it so I can check on Shadow, right?”

  “Whatever helps you sleep at night, darling.” I wink again and she glares at me.

  Chapter 4

  Shadow quickly made himself at home in my apartment. I went all out on the necessities. I bought him a dog bed, although he preferred mine, toys, treats, and that all natural dog food that Carla had insisted was the best. He didn’t need all these things though. All he needed was my balcony. Off my bedroom was a small balcony overlooking the city. Buildings divided the skyline and Mt. Hood stretched across the horizon, all this could be seen from that small balcony that the realtor said was worth the price tag. I hadn’t cared at the time but now I’m glad I spent the extra money.

  When Shadow wasn’t lounging next to me, or waiting for more food, he was on that balcony. The sun made his fur glisten and revealed the red undertones to his fur. He’d sit out there, observing the world, the wind ruffling his fur, a look of complete peace on his face. That look was worth all the money in the world. He was slowly healing, both physically and mentally. He moped less and wagged his tail more. I put off making deals just so I could spend time with him. I adopted him because I felt a connection with me. I understood him and I felt like he understood me. I knew it was unlikely he’d be adopted and I didn’t want him to have to live in a cage. I didn’t realize how nice it would be to have a dog around though. The poop was a downside but he more than made up for it. I’ve been on my own for years. I didn’t think anything of it until I brought Shadow home. I only had him three days when he had to go back to the vet for them to check his injuries and check the stitches but they ended up keeping him overnight and that’s when I noticed the distinct lack of noise.

  I live a solitary life. Always have and it never bothered me until I suddenly wasn’t alone anymore. Suddenly I noticed the absence of a second heartbeat, the quiet ticking of the clocks instead of the steps of soft pads on the hardwood floors, the silence was maddening. I found myself pacing, fiddling with the décor around my apartment only to move it again when I passed by a second time. Why hadn’t I noticed how quiet everything was before? I was tempted to break into the vet and take Shadow back but I settled for being there when they opened at six in the morning.

  I expected Natalie to have checked in on us but I haven’t heard one word from her. She must be refusing to be the one to initiate communication. This was one game I would gladly lose. I called her that night after she got off work.

  “Hello?” Her voice has a nonchalant tone to it. Good acting Natalie.

  “What are you doing tonight?” I ask, skipping right to the good stuff.

  “Uh, reading, why?”

  “Come out with me.”

  “What?”

  “Come. Out. With. Me.”

  “I heard you; I’m just processing your words.”

  “So I can pick you up at six?”

  “I don’t know. I was really looking forward to this book.” I can hear her coyness.

  Oh you’re cheeky tonight, I like it.

  “Bring it with you. You never know, I may be incredibly boring.”

  “I doubt that,” she mumbles. “Okay, I’ll be ready at six.”

  “It’s a date,” I say and hang up. I look down at my feet and Shadow is staring up at me.

  “Don’t give me that look. I’ll be good.”

  He huffs and makes his way to the balcony. A thought crosses my mind and I send Natalie a text.

  BTW where do you live?

  Wouldn’t want her to think I’m creepy.

  ______________

  I knock on Natalie’s door precisely at six o’clock. I hear the shuffle of her feet and her racing heartbeat before I see her face. She opens the door and smiles nervously at me. She’s gotten dressed up. I’m so used to her normal jeans and a t-shirt that she volunteers in that when I saw her open the door I was momentarily stunned. I wasn’t expecting her to dress any different but there she was, in a blue summer dress and black flats. The blue compliments her grey eyes and her tiny feet look even smaller in the shoes. I look down at my usual pants, shirt, and jacket; maybe I should have worn something different.

  “I do believe I’m underdressed,” I say in greeting. She blushes and looks down embarrassedly at her dress.

  “Oh well I didn’t know what we would be doing so I tried to find something that would work for multiple things. I can go change.” She talks so fast I don’t even have time to blink.

  “No, don’t. It’s perfect.” I offer my arm and she takes it. I smile and she smiles back. We walk down the street a little ways where I parked the car. If I was surprised by her outfit then she was definitely surprised by my car.

  “Oh my god, is this yours?” she asks.

  My car is something I’m proud of. I like the looks of older cars way more than the present day ones. They lack the hard sleek lines that some of the old ones wore so well. The black paint job and red upholstery also matches my style perfectly.

  “Yeah, she’s a-”

  “A 68 Chevelle SS!” She says it before I can.

  I look at her in surprise.

  “You know old cars?”

  “My dad loves old cars. I pretty much grew up in car shows.”

  I look at her for a long moment.

  “You surprise me Natalie Clark.”

  That seems to please her and I open the door for her to get in. After shutting her in I climb behind the wheel and turn the key. The ignition sparks and the engine purrs like a content cheetah. Natalie gingerly runs her hands over the leather seats and dashboard, a warm look in her eyes.

  “Oh god, she’s beautiful,” she groans. The longing in her voice makes my skin prickle.

  “Glad you like her,” I reply, gunning the engine and speeding down her street.

  “Why haven’t you been driving her to the shelter? If I had a car like this I would live in it.”

  “Too risky.”

  I trusted humans as far as I could throw them. Well, that’s not entirely true; I could throw a human pretty far. But it wasn’t just risky for the car; it was risky for me as well. Having a car like this was a double edged sword. It brought me all kinds of att
ention, men and women alike. They’d flock to me with a mix of desire, envy, and adoration. It made for an easy day of work. But it also could draw the wrong kind of attention, attention of unwanted interferers.

  “Poor girl,” Natalie says sadly, touching the car again, “a car like this deserves to be driven.”

  I agree.

  I drove us to the outskirts of the city. Natalie had a permanent smile plastered on her face as we winded through the scenic back roads. It was the beginning of fall and the leaves had just started to change color. Natalie’s eyes darted from side to side taking it all in, a look of pure joy on her face. Similar to the look of pure love I’d seen so many times but also different; joy made her look younger, more innocent, like a child. Human adults rarely could achieve the level of purity I saw in her emotions. Normally children would be the ones who felt one emotion so strongly. It was easier for them since they didn’t have as much weighing them down and occupying their minds. Natalie could somehow do it though, feel one emotion unbridled by others. She didn’t always do it. The majority of time she was a healthy mix of emotions, but sometimes with love, and as I just saw with joy, it was all the way, no negative emotions interfering with them.

  As night starts to fall, we head back into town. Slowly, the city comes to life. Downtown is alive with lights and people. I park on one of the less busy streets, hoping the car will be safe. I offer my arm again and Natalie takes it. I lead us past clubs and fancy restaurants, none of which I knew would impress her. I knew what would though.

  The place I pick is under a theater. On select nights you can watch a show and have dinner but not tonight. I don’t want anything distracting us from each other. We walk in and I give my name, I’d made reservations earlier. Natalie looks around at the dramatic art décor that ties it to the theater upstairs, she seems impressed. The waiter shows us to our table. It’s in its own private room and when the waiter leaves to give us time to look over the menus, Natalie looks around in confusion. I answer her unspoken question.

  “All the tables have private rooms. It’s the style; I’m not just trying to get you alone.”